Disappointed or disillusioned

With Church

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water

Introduction:  There is good and bad everywhere, including the church.  It is normal for the church to be imperfect because it is made up of imperfect human beings.  The church has a lot of negative and positive attributes. A wise person will take the positive and reject the negative.  We need to make a distinction between abusive churches and imperfect churches. An abusive church that exploits people should not be tolerated but an imperfect church which attempts to bridge the gap between human error and truth should be celebrated. Below are 7 comparisons of imperfect churches with abusive churches.

Imperfect churches                   Abusive churches

  1. Inclusive                               1. Exclusive

  2. Humility                                2. Arrogance

  3. Diversity                               3. Stereotypical

  4. Sanctified                             4. Separated

  5. Flexible                                5. Rigid

  6. Respectful                            6. Offensive

  7. Unified                                 7. Divisive

There are many healthy well-balanced churches that contribute more good than bad. We need to expose legalistic, divisive, prejudice, arrogant and abusive churches but celebrated responsible, inclusive, objective and caring churches.  The reality is that the church has contributed more good than bad towards our world, society and communities.  The church is the foundation of our western civilizations.  We need the church today to keep us objective and grounded with the truth. It is our moral, emotional and spiritual support system. The key to church is to focus on Jesus and not man.

Reflections By Dan Clendenin

      You can find good reasons to leave a church. Tops on most people's list is grotesque hypocrisy and intolerance. We know that in the name of God's love Christians have slaughtered Muslims (the Crusades), Jews (the Holocaust) and Native Americans (see The Conquest of America by Tzvetan Todorov). We have humiliated and exploited slaves, women and gays. These barbaric episodes are similar to the way Orthodox, Catholic and Protestant Christians have treated each other. Reading Diarmaid MacCulloch's magisterial book The Reformation (2003) has reminded me of the fervent and sadistic cruelty Christians have unleashed against each other through Christian history.

          Others reject the church because they find it irrelevant, mediocre, boring or perfunctory. For still others, Christians are people who have hounded heretics, burned books, defended the dubious, and supported so called "pseudo-science".

          One response to our checkered history is to long for the purity and holiness of the first Christians. But the epistle for this week from 1 Corinthians 1:1–9 disabuses us of that romantic fallacy. Paul preached and taught at Corinth for eighteen months (Acts 18:11), and he knew those people well. In his two letters to the believers at Corinth Paul addressed a series of ugly issues—sectarian divisions (each of which claimed to be more spiritual than everyone else), boasting about incest ("and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans," 1 Corinthians 5:1), lawsuits between fellow Christians, eating food that had been sacrificed to pagan idols, disarray in worship services, and predatory psuedo-preachers masquerading as super-apostles. I have often thought that it would be nice to be in a better church, but take me anywhere other than a place like Corinth. The churches of the first believers were uncomfortably similar to our own today.

          Despite our hypocrisy, mediocrity, and the futility of finding a "pure" church at any time or place, every Sunday you can find me back for more. Why bother with church if it is all that bad?

          First, the reign and realm of God's kingdom is not identical with the institutional church. At its best, the church mediates and points to God's kingdom, but at times God works beyond and in spite of the church. Jesus reminded us of this when he compared God's kingdom to a fish net that trawls through the ocean, catching both the good and the bad, or to wheat and tares currently entangled together. Even within the inner circle of Jesus's followers there were the traitor Judas and the betrayer Peter. If you are part of God's true kingdom, then you likely participate in the church; but not all of the people or activities that constitute church are part of the kingdom.

          Further, whatever its shortcomings, when I go to church I experience much good—couples working to hold their marriages together, parents longing to be good citizens, generosity to the poor, hospital visitation for the sick, efforts at building community in an otherwise individualistic society, adoption of orphans, outreach to victims of HIV and AIDS, building schools and hospitals in places that would otherwise never have them, and so on. This list is as long as the one of atrocities. Focusing only on our faults distorts the true image of the church. For all of the barbarities of Spanish colonization, there is always a Bartolome de las Casas (1484–1566), a Dominican priest who defended Native Americans for fifty years. For every impulse of greed, there is the selfless compassion of a Mother Teresa, known or unknown, for every craven acquiescence to political power, a Thomas More (1478–1535) executed for speaking the truth.

          Since I believe that the church is God's ordained human institution where He has chosen to work, even though it swarms with many faults, I want to place myself there to receive what He has to give. More often than not, if I listen carefully, I am not disappointed.

          Finally, I go to church out of a deep sense of my own need. Being a Christian is one of the few things in life that you cannot do alone. During the Protestant Reformation the ultimate Renaissance humanist, scholar and Christian, Erasmus (1466–1536), locked horns with Luther over their contrasting views of human nature. Erasmus simply could not endure Luther's pessimistic views of the human will or natural reason, and so he returned to the arms of the deeply troubled Catholic church. "Therefore I will put up with this Church until I see a better one," wrote Erasmus; "and it will have to put up with me, until I become better." I am thankful for a church, however imperfect, that has welcomed my imperfect self with my deeply imperfect faith.2 For all those agitated over church hypocrisy, I say, please join us, there is always room for one more.

          We should never turn a blind eye to church faults and failure. Rather, we should name them, own up to them, repent of them, and do what we can to correct them. Losing our illusions about church (dis-illusionment) is a necessary and good thing. Thus did Luther, overwhelmed with the troubles of Medieval Catholicism, offer a "spectacularly disloyal form of loyalty to the church" when he demanded radical reform.3 But even more, I pray that my loyality to the kingdom will prevail over the lapses of the church. I rather like the metaphor by the Benedictine nun Joan Chittister who refers to herself as "a loyal member of a dysfunctional family."

Six Reasons People Leave Your Church

By John D. Duncan

If you travel the bumpy roads of ministry long enough, some treasured soul will exit your church. Years ago I

entered the open road of a new ministry. I pastored a new church. I investigated the potholes, the inclines, and the

danger zones of my new path of ministry. My search drove me into living rooms, into advice on what’s best for the church, into the hearts of the members whom I served. Clearly things were not going well. Every curve greeted me with another surprise. One church member pained my soul when he stopped me dead in my tracks. “Pastor,” he said, “we’re leaving the church. We’re just not getting what we need here.” It was as if a truck had dumped a bucket of nails onto the road. Now I swerved, trying to miss the pointed critters. Their sharp points, however, punctured my spirit. For days I felt stranded like a tired traveler with a flat tire.

• Why would they want to leave our church?

• Why do people become dissatisfied with their church?

• What reasons do they give for seeking another church home?

• How might you handle their departure?

Six Reasons People Leave

1. Poor leadership

When the family announced their departure, I made it a point to visit in their home. I asked them to share their

feelings. I requested honesty. “We just don’t like the way you’re running things.” In those days, some 10 years ago,

my inexperience led to poor decisions. I inherited a church with problems. What church does not have problems?

But the problems grew like a fast-growing bacteria.

• Financial problems worried the church.

• Morale problems infected the church.

• A lack of vision created an internal sickness.

• Members began to place blame for the troubles.

Since I was their leader, they pointed a finger at me. I had only served the church for six months, but I tried to cure

the church with my own diagnosis and prescription. I did not listen to my people. I attempted to solve the dilemmas

on my own. The result? Members left the church.

2. Different Style

I have watched people exit our church, but I have also seen them enter our church. When one couple joined our

church, they confessed, “We just wanted something different.” Translated, that means they wished for a different

style.

When church members leave your church, they might travel to another church because they yearn for another style

of ministry. They desire a different style of preaching or worship. They hunger for a certain style of music. Their

expectations about a church might come from a church, pastor, or program they had in another town. Consequently,

their expectations of a church cause them to seek another one.

3. Specific Program

“How did you discover our church?” I asked a woman who quizzed me about the church. “We heard about the church because of the youth program. Some friends told us about your youth ministry. Our kids attended on Wednesday night and Sunday morning. You have an active youth group. That’s how we discovered the church.” The other extreme greeted my ears, too. “Why did you leave our church?” I questioned a former member. “We really like the Music Ministry of our new church,” they responded. It is not uncommon for people to leave your church for a ministry that fits their needs. It is not uncommon for folks to seek a place tailored to their specific interests or gifts.

4. Disillusionment

William D. Hendricks talks about a “dark side” to the church. He details numerous stories about people leaving their

churches in his book, Exit Interviews. He writes, “Despite glowing reports of surging church attendance, more and

more Christians in North America are feeling disillusioned with the church and other formal, institutional

expressions of Christianity." (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993, p. 17)

These people remove themselves from the church out of frustration with structure or bureaucracy. I once heard of a

man who left a church because it did not give enough to benevolence. He wanted the church to take its end-of-the

month reserves and give to the poor. His frustration incited his exit. Disillusionment might cause people to avoid the

church for the rest of their lives.

5. Inner Hurts

A close church member invited me to lunch one day. He dropped a truckload of hurt into my lap. He talked about

troubles with his children. He mentioned problems at work. He shocked me when he informed me of his imminent

departure from our church. “It’s in the best interest of our family,” he softly spoke. I drove to the church that day

disappointed. I ate my steak lunch, but the news ate at my stomach the rest of the day. I agonized over his words.

Self-doubt crept into my mind. What did I do wrong? What could I do to keep this family? What could I change to

keep them happy? Why did I fail with this family? These thoughts bounce the heart when church members leave

your church.

One year later I received news about the family. This helped interpret our lunch meeting. The sad news explained

the couple’s divorce. I truly believe a deep inner hurt caused this family to leave the church. Rather than seek help in

the church, they fled the church. They retreated to ease the surprise of their impending breakup.

As a pastor I have observed this kind of church exit. A family leaves to conceal their child’s drug problem. A single

leaves feeling deserted by the church. Though people try to accept the single, she never feels a part of the church.

Her inner hurt keeps her from accepting herself. Not every person who leaves the church because of inner hurt

leaves on bad terms. Some leave to seek answers to their hurt. Still others take flight to find the acceptance they

have missed.

6. Church Size

Another reason church members may leave your church is the size of the church. Two years ago our church grew

from a small church to a medium- sized church. A faithful family began to miss church activities. I attended a

basketball game one night, where I saw this couple with their small children.

“I sure have missed you at church,” I said in casual conversation. “Don’t take it personally, but the church has gotten

too big for us. We’re used to a smaller church.” Church members leave churches because of size. Sometimes the

church may grow too large. In other cases the church may not be large enough.

How to Handle the Departure

The reasons I’ve mentioned for leaving a church are not exhaustive. Neither do I intend to produce simplistic

answers. The hard fact of the narrow road of ministry is that people do pack their bags to journey to another church.

Yet, I know ministers grieve when this happens. Those words, “don’t take it personally, but . . . “ echo in the

chambers of the heart. How else can a minister take it? How can a leader handle these departures from the church?

After all, maybe the truth is, how can you not take it personally?

1. Learn From It

When church members leave your church, ministry lessons unfold. Sometimes I visit those who make the church

exit. By listening, I learn about people. I also learn about myself. Better yet, I learn more about service to God.

A seminary student called his mentor. “I’m ready to quit,” he muttered in tones of despair. “One of our best deacons

is leaving the church. He says it’s because of me.” “Son,” the wise mentor replied, “I’ve lost members in every

church I’ve pastored. Focus on God’s call. Listen to people and learn from them. Work hard. Love Jesus. Love

people. Then remember, you can’t ring everybody’s bell all the time. Trust God and do the best you can in serving

the Lord.” When church members leave your church, learn what you can from it. Learn, then refuse to dwell on it. Too much analysis paralyzes you. As you learn, grow. Then get back to work.

2. Pray For Them

Ultimately, when church members leave your church, concern for their spiritual condition becomes primary. Pray

that those people can find a church that feeds them spiritually. Ask God to provide healing for their hurts. Request

the Lord’s guidance as they wander down uncertain trails. Praying for them nourishes their spiritual life. It also

encourages your attitude toward them, especially if they spoke painful words upon their exit.

3. Open the Gate

Leave the gate open. This may sound strange, but when church members leave your church, let them go. Begging

them to stay serves little purpose. Open the gate for their departure. Bless them as they leave. Always leave the gate open for their return. One of my greatest joys of ministry came because of an open gate. A family left for a new, fresh road to another church. Six months later, they wished to return. “Would it be okay if we came back?” they asked through a mutual friend. “Sure,” I said. The family returned and grew spiritually. They now minister wonderfully in the church. It’s the Lord’s church, and the best way to handle those who walk to another church is to remember this.

Eugene Petersen challenges pastors not to become inflated in their self-perception. God works through people. The

church moves forward rhythmically like a clock ticking. He writes, “Years ago I noticed, as all pastors must, that

when a pastor left a neighboring congregation, the congregational life carried on very well, thank you.” (The

Contemplative Pastor, Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans, 1989, p. 25)  As harsh as this sounds, exchange pastor for member and you have a strong truth. Churches carry on. Oh, they miss members who depart. But God has a way of supplying new ones. The key is to remember, it’s the Lord’s church. Churches should focus on this truth. When they do, time heals wounds. Conflict embraces resolution. Anger gives way to joy. Emptiness surrenders to fullness. When the back door opens, God often brings twice the number in the front door. When the church is a revolving door, maybe the key to church growth is to have more coming than you do going. Keep a sign out front that says, We’re Always Open for YOU. Who knows when someone might just drive by, stop, and come on in.

Conclusion:  We must accept the fact that diversity exit within the Body of Christ because people are diverse.  We do not all have the same likes and dislikes.  This is what makes us unique as human beings and Christians.  Not everyone likes the same flavor of ice cream, as not everyone fancies the same flavor of Christian denomination, worship approach or leadership style.  We should try and "be all things to all people" but this is not always possible.  A healthy well-balanced church should always be diverse in its worship, ministry and leadership approaches in order to reach a greater diversity of people.  We should celebrate our diversity as churches through Christian unity and understanding.  It is impossible and unrealistic for one church to meet everyone's needs because as they say there are "different strokes for different folks".

The main reason people become disappointed and disillusioned with churches is because churches become stereotypical trying to force everyone into a rigid cookie cutter mold that is not natural or healthy.  We must encourage different people to find their kind of church that fits into their God given personality and style, while at the same time doing our very best to bring as much diversity into our local churches as possible in order to attract a greater diversity of people from our communities.  This is God's plan and pattern for His churches.  UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY!